“Pastor, my husband gets angry with me over every little thing. And even when I apologize, it takes him weeks to eventually calm down. Is it good?”

I think you need to understand the apology language of your husband. Just as people have love languages, they also have apology language. While a simple “sorry” can quench anger in one person’s heart, you’d need a serious apology statement to reach the heart of someone else. It’s the lack of this apology statement that makes it feel as though he’s keeping malice. Because he’s your husband and may not be able to vent as he’d love to, the only way to calm down is to be distant or avoid you until he has forgotten what you did. And some times, that can take weeks.

The fact that he gets angry over every little mistake simply tells me that he might have a Choleric temperament. And if he doesn’t talk to you until he’s calm, that’s definitely Melancholy. So your husband is a MelCho😂.

I’ve come to realize that we sometimes over-estimate people, especially our spouses. Just because we married them as a tongue-speaking Christian doesn’t mean they’ve mastered all the fruits of the Spirit. And if that’s the case, it means they’re not completely dead to natural temperaments. While you read all the spiritual books on marriage and relationship, also read books on natural temperaments, love and apology language. If you neglect this, then you’d suffer when your spouse switches from the spirit to nature.

I use to be like this too. I didn’t have room to accommodate mistakes, I was a perfectionist. My wife experienced that part of me for a while until I began to deliberately walk in the fruit of the Spirit. Any little mistake she did would piss me off and I won’t talk to her for days. Even when she told me she was sorry, I’d literally tell her that “I’m sorry” wasn’t enough, and that does she understand what she did and how to avoid it next time? Oh yes, that was my apology language, you have to both understand where you went wrong and tell me how you intend to avoid it next time. I’d instantly forgive you if you did that.

But my wife didn’t know all that, and I couldn’t tell her because it would seem as though I wasn’t spiritual. After all, part of the fruit of the Spirit is endurance and self control. My consciousness of the fruit of the Spirit has made it easier to forgive, but sometimes, that old nature still wants to resist it. And believe me, it’s not very easy to put it under subjection. Sometimes you would have even acted becore you remember the fruit of the Spirit🤣.

I recommend you read Tim Lahaye’s book on temperament and Gary Chapman’s “5 Apology Languages”, they’d help you understand this better. But just before I conclude, let me touch on the 5 apology languages.

The five apology languages are; Expressing regret, Accepting responsibility, Making restitution, Genuinely repenting, and Requesting forgiveness. While some people may lean more strongly toward one apology language, it’s possible to have multiple, depending on the situation. Let me explain each one further:

1. Expressing regret

This is the simple act of saying “I’m sorry.” While it sounds obvious enough, many people allow pride or guilt to get in the way of this kind of apology. Along with saying the words “I’m sorry,” this type of apology involves listing the hurtful effects of your actions and showing remorse.

So this may be your apology language if you want someone to acknowledge the hurt they caused or if you want someone to genuinely express that they regret their actions. For instance, if someone steals from you, saying “I’m sorry” would not be enough. They’d need to tell you why they did it. Normally, you won’t feel validated until they do this.

2. Accepting responsibility

This occurs when someone earnestly admits they were wrong to do what they did. The person should be able to explain what they did wrong and why it was wrong.

This may be your apology language if you want someone to take ownership of the hurt they caused or you want someone to clearly state what they did wrong, to prove they can learn from the mistake. In this kind of apology, you mustn’t give excuses.

3. Making restitution

This includes finding a way to correct the situation. This is a common apology scenario if something is lost, broken, or damaged and the apologizer offers to replace the item or pay for the inconvenience. It can also occur in more serious situations if a person is deeply betrayed, and the person who did it makes it up to them.

This may be your apology language if you want someone to prove they’re willing to correct the problem or you find it important that the perpetrator “makes things right again”.

4. Genuinely repenting

This requires a change of behavior. With this apology language, saying sorry is not enough. You must engage in problem-solving. Don’t make excuses. Make a better, specific plan for change. There should be a sincere drive to do better.

This may be your apology language if you need proof that someone is growing and working toward change or you need assurance that you won’t be let down the next time around. Words are just not enough for you.

5. Requesting forgiveness

This allows the other person time to process their hurt before assuming everything is back to normal. Saying “I’m so sorry for letting you down. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?” places the power back into the hands of the hurt party. While most people won’t refuse an apology altogether, it does leave room for them to make exceptions, including the need for repentance or restitution.

This may be your apology language if you’re not quite ready for reconciliation yet or you need more from the apology and want space to ask for it. You need to know the person apologizing is willing to wait until you’re ready.

It’s already too long, and I apologize. But I assure you, there’s so much you can learn from this topics if you get those books I recommended.

I hope this has brought enlightenment to someone.

Remain ever blessed, in Jesus precious name!

#EmekaAnslem