“Pastor, I’ve apologized to my friend for the hurtful things I said to him, and even though he claims to have forgiven me, the closeness is no longer there. What can I do?”
If the closeness was not restored after you apologized, then your friend must have been really hurt by what you said. Then again, a simple apology statement may not be able to mend certain hurtful feelings, the hurt person would need proofs that you’ve repented.
This is actually an area where many Christians err, they feel God will restore certain responsibilities to them just because they said “Lord, forgive me”. A declaration of forgiveness that didn’t proceed from a repentant heart cannot be trusted. From experience, God doesn’t even need us to ask for forgiveness, He just needs us to confess our faults. That’s because anybody who can correctly identify his fault and apologizes is most likely saying he’d make efforts towards becoming better, which also gives the offended person something to hold on to.
A person may apologize for offending you yet not agree that what he or she did is offensive and shouldn’t be done to you ever again. That’s why even after they’ve apologized, you’d be surprised to see them do it again. There’s a difference between saying “I’m sorry for what I said to you” and “I realized I was completely out of line, I said those things out of anger and I’m sorry. I promise to work on my anger”. Personally, if you apologize to me like that, then I know I have to help you work on your anger. Chances are that even if you offend me again in the same manner, I won’t take it to heart because I understand that you’re dealing with anger issues.
I recommend you read Tim Lahaye’s book on temperament and Gary Chapman’s “5 Apology Languages”, they’d help you understand this better. But for clarity sake, let me touch on the 5 apology languages.
The five apology languages are; Expressing regret, Accepting responsibility, Making restitution, Genuinely repenting, and Requesting forgiveness. While some people may lean more strongly toward one apology language, it’s possible to have multiple, depending on the situation. Let me explain each one further:
1. Expressing regret
This is the simple act of saying “I’m sorry.” While it sounds obvious enough, many people allow pride or guilt to get in the way of this kind of apology. Along with saying the words “I’m sorry,” this type of apology involves listing the hurtful effects of your actions and showing remorse.
So this may be your apology language if you want someone to acknowledge the hurt they caused or if you want someone to genuinely express that they regret their actions. For instance, if someone steals from you, saying “I’m sorry” would not be enough. They’d need to tell you why they did it. Normally, you won’t feel validated until they do this.
2. Accepting responsibility
This occurs when someone earnestly admits they were wrong to do what they did. The person should be able to explain what they did wrong and why it was wrong.
This may be your apology language if you want someone to take ownership of the hurt they caused or you want someone to clearly state what they did wrong, to prove they can learn from the mistake. In this kind of apology, you mustn’t give excuses.
3. Making restitution
This includes finding a way to correct the situation. This is a common apology scenario if something is lost, broken, or damaged and the apologizer offers to replace the item or pay for the inconvenience. It can also occur in more serious situations if a person is deeply betrayed, and the person who did it makes it up to them.
This may be your apology language if you want someone to prove they’re willing to correct the problem or you find it important that the perpetrator “makes things right again”.
4. Genuinely repenting
This requires a change of behavior. With this apology language, saying sorry is not enough. You must engage in problem-solving. Don’t make excuses. Make a better, specific plan for change. There should be a sincere drive to do better.
This may be your apology language if you need proof that someone is growing and working toward change or you need assurance that you won’t be let down the next time around. Words are just not enough for you.
5. Requesting forgiveness
This allows the other person time to process their hurt before assuming everything is back to normal. Saying “I’m so sorry for letting you down. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?” places the power back into the hands of the hurt party. While most people won’t refuse an apology altogether, it does leave room for them to make exceptions, including the need for repentance or restitution.
This may be your apology language if you’re not quite ready for reconciliation yet or you need more from the apology and want space to ask for it. You need to know the person apologizing is willing to wait until you’re ready.
It’s already too long, and I apologizeš. But I assure you, there’s so much you can learn from this topics if you get those books I recommended.
As I conclude, a wise man once said freedom of speech is your right, but freedom after speech is not guaranteed. Even as God’s children, we’re justified and condemned by our words.
I hope this has brought enlightenment to someone.
Remain ever blessed, in Jesus precious name!
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